Useless Tyrant
by JoyJoy101
Summary: In the hunt for acceptance and affection, one will take things too far ... and there will be no going back.
1. Chapter 1

Hey people … I know it's been a long time. Much has been happening lately so writing stories was at the bottom of my to-do list. Thank you very much to those people who were messaging to see how I was going. Anyway, I'm not saying I'm back for good but this is just something that has been sitting there for awhile, waiting to be posted. "Changed" is nearly finished, it's got about another chapter or two but they aren't jelling at the moment.

This is sort of a random fic that just popped up in my head. Some characters may be out of character but its just a fic exploring brotherly rivalry and what you can do without realizing it … like getting caught up in something and not realizing what your doing to others. Or just niggle away at someone and wonder why they fell. Anyway … enjoy … constructive criticism welcome and reviews even more. Got a problem … tell someone who cares

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Disclaimer: I only own the story … not the characters in it.

* * *

Raphael's P.O.V.

Life has been amazing lately, really amazing. How can you explain the best time in your life? Well, let me try.

A few months ago, Leo got injured. Not physical but I suppose you could saw … mentally. We'd had a HUGE fight, which he started of course, and he stormed out of the lair in a rage. Several hours later, we got a phone call. A big mistake to his pride. He … Leo …. the mighty fearless leader had to call for help, for backup. So we arrive on the scene only too find Leo at the mercy of the Purple Dragons. The Purple Dragons mercy … please, they are a bunch of thugs, rejects from society and sissies.

Anyway, we came in, kicked "but" and dragged his sorry arse home. Not only did he get a LECTURE from Master Splinter for being foolish and running off, we actually got some praise for once in our life.

Leo sulked for a few days after that but soon he was back to his bossy, arrogant ways. Not that Mikey and I didn't constantly bring up his failure with the Purple Dragons. The look of embarrassment, hurt and I swear I saw fear on his face was enough to put him constantly back in his box. We seemed to be always one up on Leo.

Anyway, the turning point in my life … and I suppose Leo's, happened, I would say, about three months ago. We were out on patrol and Leo, who was still trying to get back into Master Splinters good books by being a teachers pet, had been pushing us just a little bit too far.

In practice, in our rest times, on patrol and in anything we did, we had to be perfect. He even stayed up to three in the morning, just to put in extra practice and expect us to put in the same hard yards. Get lost, I actually have a life.

So this night we were out on patrol. Nothing interesting happening, just Leo nagging us about "The Way of Invisibility", to stay out of sight, to be quiet, don't lag and just being a pain. So when we spotted some Purple Dragons looting a jewelry shop, our fearless leader commanded that we stop them. I tried to point out that there seemed to be too many of them, not one to turn down a fight, but for a simple jewelry heist, there were just too goons. It didn't seem right

But Leo over ruled me. I'm sure if Donny or Mikey had said anything, he would have listened but being it was me, NO WAY WAS HE GOING TO LISTEN!

So we attacked and just as I had guessed, Leo led us straight into a trap. The Shredder was waiting.

Not only did we get battered and bruised, our fearless leader took a hit to the head and passed out halfway through the fight. So not only did we have to worry about ourselves, we had to protect the shell of our pathetic excuse for a leader.

So I took command. The fight was long and hard but boy the job of leader was exhilarating. I was in total control. And we made it out alive. Raphael, the hot-head, black-sheep of the family, took the place as leader and actually didn't screw up like Leo always said I would. So, not only did we survive a fight that should have killed all four of us, thanks to our leader, I lead, I took command, saved our family, got everyone safely home and we were all in one piece. No thanks to the actual cause to the problem.

And who was waiting at home, fearing for our safety, waiting to shower me with praise, none other then Master Splinter. With Leo tucked up in his little bed, we retold the story. I can still see the look of pride on my fathers face when he found out that I had, as Mikey said "saved them all". I went to bed that night on cloud nine.

So the next day, when I came down to breakfast, there was a huge victory celebration. My favorite kind of breakfast. Mikey must have been up for hours to make it. Pancakes, waffles, sausages, eggs, scrambled and not … there was everything anybody could ever want to eat for breakfast in their lifetime. Never in all the years Leo had "led" us did he ever received such a welcome.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

We were all seated around the table, laughing and joking, when the topic turned to the events of last night and the "splendid job" I did. And guess who I saw hiding in the shadows of the doorway … Leo. He must have woken up, heard the celebration and came down to investigate. And he heard all the praise, saw all the proud looks and admiration from our brothers. But he didn't come and join us, didn't say" good job Raph" or thank me for saving him and having to carry him all the way home. He went back to his room and sulked until I was sent by Master Splinter to fetch him.

He wanted to have a word with him.

So with great expectations, I told Leo that "Splinter wanted to see him", took my place on the couch and waited for the fireworks. It didn't really matter that Splinter had his door closed because Splinter blasted Leo so loud; I'm surprised that the humans above didn't wonder where the rumbling was coming from.

He blasted him for his poor leadership skills, for leading us into danger, for not listening to "MY ADVICE" … I really like that one, for sulking half the day, for being ignorant and "risk-taking". After awhile, Donny and Mikey joined me on the couch, Donny fiddling with a new invention and Mikey sniggering along with me.

Hours later, Master Splinter emerged from his room, followed by a … dispirited Leo. All lesson, I suppose you could say he "kept his head down". He didn't draw attention to his gracefulness, of his "perfect katas" and during sparring; he didn't put his "heart into it" and lost every bout.

This went on for a week until … one day, Master Splinter asked me to "lead" practice. Only Leo ever did that and the look of shock on his face was priceless. And to rub it in his face, I was perfect.

We trained better then we had ever done under "Leonardo's" leadership. A broken Leo emerged after practice was finished and seeming I led practice from that day onwards, that broken look became a distinct portrait to Leo's now subdued character.

After awhile, he started skipping practice. Not that we cared, we got on better without him. He was a shadow of the past, I was the sunlight of today, well that is how I looked to my brothers and father. Life … was perfect.

Not that my quest to make Leo look like the worthless pile of shit he was had ended … it had just taken a new turn.

Leo started to believe he was a "worthless pile of shit" as to say, and I, along with Mikey, helped to reinforce the idea.

It was like Leo and I had swapped places, he was now the black sheep of the family, the reject, looked down upon by his brothers and master, where I was the son who could do no wrong. Nothing I did or said was bad to them, I could spend all my days doing nothing, hang out all night with Casey and it was okay … because I was perfect.

The tyrant had been broken.

After a while, Leo started skipping meals and not taking … "adequate" care of himself. He'd go days without a shower until someone would "order' him to. Yes to "order" him. He also became as skinny as a rake and his muscles disappeared through the loss of training, which left flabby folds of skin all over his body. Actually, to Mikey, "flabby" became his new nickname … he certainly wasn't "fearless" anymore.

But between all of this, Leo would just sit on his bed or wander around the lair with a dead look in his eyes, like he didn't care anymore – not like anybody else did.

Then a few weeks ago, he started to disappear from the lair for hours … or was it days … it's not like we really counted but this intrigued me. Where was my worthless brother going and what was he doing with his worthless life.

Imagine my satisfaction when I followed him one of these times, only to find him pouring alcohol down his throat. My brother was a drunk … I should have guessed that only my brother could hit rock bottom and keep digging.

So I waited until he'd drowned his sorrows, then dragged him, stumbling back home to show the family the depths the once famous "Leonardo" could sink to.

Of course he was quickly ushered into Splinters room where Sensei tore him to pieces. He even struck him across the face when he didn't answer fast enough, thou for how drunk he was, I'm amazed he could answer at all.

And then came the moment I had been waiting for. When Master Splinter told Leo how disgusted he was with him, how he had no honour, how he had not only damaged his honour but the honour of the families, the honour of the clan and then … he compared Leo to me.

How I was perfect, a role-model, what he should aim for, a true leader.

Eventually Master Splinter had no more to say and I hurled Leo to his feet … where Leo proceeded to hurl all over himself and the floor.

The last thing Sensei said was

"Get him out of my sight!"

So I frog marched Leo out of the room and proceeded to "escort" him to his room, making sure Donny and Mikey saw the worst … or should I say the best side of him. On reaching his room, I threw him on to the bed.

"Your pathetic Leo" I said.

He turned his blood-shot eyes onto me but in his drunken state, they crossed.

"The poor star child reduced to a drunken wreck … I should have seen it coming"

He seemed to be trying to refocus his eyes.

"You can't even take care of yourself let alone others" I continued taking in his dusty, dirty, filthy room.

"You useless, utterly useless"

I think we went to say something but at that moment, he again hurled all over himself and the bed.

I wrinkled my nose in disgust.

"You make me sick" I spat as I turned and left the room.

* * *

That was about a week ago. Leo didn't surface from his room for days but I think the smell of his vomit eventually drove him out. It nearly drove us out.

Being the leader, I commanded that he clean himself and the room up, if he wanted to live in filth, it didn't mean the rest of use had to suffer. I told him that the homeless people were taking in newbie's and it would be the perfect time to join "his brothers".

I think he actually paid attention to me when I said it because he seemed to be preparing his stuff for leaving.

Before going out this morning, I saw the wretched fool collecting some rope from the equipment room. I don't know what he'd need rope for carrying the few lonely possessions he has. Since Mikey has taken on Leo's room as a "sort of" second bedroom, most of Leos stuff has been broken. Mikey is clumsy and I suppose … careless.

Mind you, coming to think of it, Leo leaving might not be such a good thing … he is an excellent punching bag. It doesn't matter how much you kick or punch him, he won't yell. A couple of days ago, I stabbed him in the arm, just to see if he'd yell.

Nothing, he just stared at the wound until I told him to find someone to bandage it … he was spilling blood all over the floor. I think he ended up doing the job himself since Donny would have been busy, Mikey is useless for those things, I went out with Casey and Leo gives Master Splinter a wide berth.

Not that he needs to worry about Splinter much since he recently shifted into April's apartment. Only temporally but I think the sight of Leo was killing him faster then old age ever would … something I clearly spelt out to Leo, something else that was his fault. He'd brought all his problems down on himself and only had himself to blame.

Walking in the front door to our lair, I notice it's quiet. Donny and Mikey must not be home. Moving into the kitchen, I see a note on the kitchen bench. Grabbing a coke from the fridge, I read the message.

_Raph,_

_Donny and I gone out to see a 2 o'clock movie. _

_Would have invited you if you were home. _

_Cya when we get back._

_Mikey_

Glancing at the clock, it read 3 o'clock.

"Damn" I mutter, while draining the can. I would have liked to have gone.

With Leo out of the leadership role, we've been taking more risks, like seeing movies and wandering around in broad daylight, covered up of course. We hadn't been caught yet and the freedom was great.

Thinking I'd go listen to some music in my room, I threw the empty can at the bin missing it completely but knowing I'd make Leo clean it up later. He'd actually become a good cleaner of late, once you got him out of his bedroom.

Climbing the stairs and passing Leo's dark room, I stopped when I heard a dripping sound. Listening carefully, I didn't hear it again.

Shrugging it off, I moved on.

_Drip_

There it was again.

Standing incredibly still and holding my breath, I waited.

_Drip_

Yea, I wasn't hearing things. Betcha Mikey left the tap on in the bathroom AGAIN!

Funny how I didn't hear it before …

I walked back passed Leo's room.

_Drip _

I froze; the sound was coming from Leo's darkened room.

Slowly turning, I felt my hand along the wall until I came in contact with the light switch. I flicked it on.

It took a few seconds for my brain to register what I was seeing until reality kicked in …and I screamed

Leo was hanging by a rope from an overhead pipe, his motionless body slowly swinging from side to side. Blood dripped from wounds in his arms, running along his arm, down his hand and slowly collecting on one of his fingers. When the load got too heavy, a single drop would fall.

_Drip_

I screamed again.

Racing across the room, I grabbed onto him, trying to lift him and get some of the pressure off the rope.

But the floor was slick with blood and I couldn't get a firm grip.

_I slipped._

My legs flew out from under me and I landed hard on my shell. Dazzled, I gazed upwards as Leo's body slowly turned towards me from the force I'd applied before falling.

All I saw was the whites of his eyes through narrow slits.

Flailing around in his pool of blood, I tried to get up. Half sobbing, I slipped and slide until I was out from under his gaze.

I was covered from head to toe in his blood.

Struggling to my feet, my hands came across something sharp.

Looking up … his katanna.

Grabbing it by its handle, I staggered to my feet.

Running at him, I jumped and sliced cleanly through the rope. Crashing into him, we both fell in a heap on the floor.

Throwing the katanna away, I grabbed Leo and pulled him out of the pool of smeared blood … panting not from exhaustion but from what I just saw and had to do.

Pulling him towards the doorway, I collapsed on top of him.

Trying to hold back the coke I'd just drunk, I rolled him on to his back.

His arms weren't bleeding anymore … his heart had stopped pumping blood.

"NO!" I screamed.

I began to administer C.P.R. but he wasn't responding.

"NO!" I screamed again.

I curled my hands into a fist and started pounding on his chest.

"LEO!"

But exhaustion soon gave way and I broke down on his chest. Holding onto him, I buried my head in his shoulder.

"Why you do it?" I sobbed "Why now"

And yet I knew why he had done it. Raising my head, I looked at his face … he hadn't gone easily.

Lowering my head onto his chest, I jumped when I felt a heart beat.

Bringing my ear to his mouth, I heard him breath.

Praising whoever had answered my call to save my brother, I watched him live.

But he didn't wake up.

I watched him intently, was he ever going to get a severe talking to when he woke up … but he wouldn't open his eyes.

Looking around for some inspiration, I noticed that blood was smeared on the far wall of his room … and it spelt out something.

_**U s e l e s s**_

I froze

"_Your useless Leo, utterly useless!"_

I'd said that to him … and he'd believed me.

I looked down at him, limp in my arms, defenseless and helpless … I'd made him into that.

I could feel sharp pinpricks at the corners of my eyes.

What have I become? How could I say that? I'd become so absorbed in bringing my brother down, I'd killed him.

I gripped Leo tighter.

I'd killed him, I'd killed my brother. The more I tried to deny it, the more it rung true.

I'd killed Leo.

But he wasn't dead yet … NO there was still time, he was breathing … I could take care of him … save him … make sure he lives … tell him how sorry I am.

Gathering him up in my arms, I contemplated where to take him. There's no way I'm putting him back in his room, there's barely enough room in Don's room let alone a chair to watch him in, Mikey's room is a disaster zone, he's not going in my room, he can't go on the sofa we might want to watch telly …

I mentally slapped myself … I can't believe what I just thought. My brother tried to kill himself because of me and I won't put him on the sofa because we might want to watch t.v.

What have I become?

Then a light flicked on in my head.

Splinter room.

It was secluded, clean, not used at the moment, spacious and quiet … perfect for a place for someone to heal.

Carefully I carried Leo down the stairs but on reaching the main part of the lair, I heard a gasp.

Turning, I found Master Splinter in the doorway. Ears pined back, he looked pale. Confused for a second, I wondered why he was here. Then it clicked, today was the day he visited …

Racing over to me, he cried.

"What happened!"

But what could I say? How could I tell him?

Holding Leo tight, I said

"He needs to rest"

Splinter stopped frantically searching him for a pulse.

"Rest?"

I nodded.

Splinters hands then brushed against the lacerations along Leo's neck … vivid red marks.

He gasped as realization struck.

"My room … now!"

Walking behind him, I entered his room and carefully laid Leo down on the bed. He was still breathing.

"Get the medical kit"

Quickly obeying, I fetched it and brought it too him.

Grabbing bandages, alcohol, needle and thread, Splinter set to work on Leo's arms.

He was very pale.

I went to say something when Master Splinter spoke in a shaky voice.

"_What happened?"_

I tried to answer but I couldn't for the life of me because of the lump in my throat. It was all my fault. Splinter looked at me, I must have looked like a fish gulping for air … but I knew he demand an answer.

"We're home!"

Turning, I looked at the clock on Splinters wall. 3:30 pm it read, Mikey and Don must have finished seeing the movie.

Looking at Splinter, he motioned for me to go out to them.

Walking out of his room, conscious of all the blood on me, I followed the sound of their voices into the kitchen.

"Yeah that was so cool and the bit where he …"

They sounded so happy.

Walking to the entrance to the kitchen, I saw Mikey chuck Don a can. Probably sensing my presence, Don turned to me.

"Yo Raph, you missed a good mov …"

CRACK

The aluminum can hit the floor.

"WHAT HAPPENED!" he shouted as he ran to me.

Turning, Mikey saw me and the colour drained from his face.

Looking past him and at my reflection in the mirror of the kitchen cupboard, my knees went weak. As I thought, I was covered in blood. On my arms, legs, shell, torso … face. All Leo's blood.

The world spun and I found myself in Don's arms as he grabbed me, to stop me hitting the floor.

I think he was calling to me but all I saw was my reflection, I … covered in my brother's blood.

"Mikey … grab … in cupboard … my room!"

I felt the world fall in on me … until I was drenched in chilling sweat.

For Mikey to go to Don's room, he had to go past Leo's...

"… no!" I croaked

"It's okay Raph; Mikey just went to get some …"

"No … he can't"

But I watched helplessly as Mikey reached the top of the stairs, walked past Leo's room and stopped … much like I did.

Trying to cry "NO!" I watched as he turned back to Leo's room … and looked inside.

A few seconds later … he screamed.

Don dropped me and raced up the stairs, as I tried to again shout. Stumbling to the entrance of Leo's room, he froze.

I could see it now, pools of blood on the floor, smeared everywhere, half a rope hanging from above and the blood written word

**_U s e l e s s_**

smeared on the wall.

That was all I could take … seeing those words in my mind, Mikey screaming … my world faded into darkness.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Very depressed storyI know but it was running circles around my head for so long, I had to see where it went. Read and review but hopefull, just enjoy it. Short chapter this time but the next is quite long so ... you win some, you lose some.

Disclaimer: Same as before ...I own the story but not the characters.

* * *

Raphael's P.O.V.

I'm sitting beside Leo … who hasn't moved a muscle in over a month. Yes, exactly a month ago, I came home to find him hanging from an overhead pipe in his room. The day after that, I woke from passing out … to think it was all a bad dream.

Running into Leo's room, I found no trace of the pool of blood, no hanging rope but the bloody message of USELESS still shone from its place on the wall.

Don and Mikey hadn't managed to clean it off … hours of scrubbing had only made it clearer.

Now, every time any of us walk past his room, it shines out at us, taunting, mocking, showing us our failure as a family and as brothers.

Donny now sleeps on the couch, guilt makes it impossible for him to pass Leo's room and go to his own. Mikey just bursts into tears every time he passes it.

Master Splinter … he didn't handle it well. The last thing he really ever said to Leo was "Get him out of my sight" and the last contact wasn't a hug ...it was a slap across the face.

Splinter is still lodging at Aprils. After two weeks, we restricted his visits to every 2nd day so he didn't exhaust himself.

Me … I never leave Leo's side … unless to go to the bathroom or grab whatever Mikey manages to cook … but then I'm back.

Leo … his lungs stopped working ... they failed … about a week ago. Don's got him on a respiration machine … helping to keep him breathing.

Don says that … there's little … hope … … … BUT I don't believe him.

I've been talking to Leo through our long hours together, I've tried to apologize for all that I have done … but I need to talk to him face to face. I NEED to make him understand … how sorry I am, the fear I felt at losing him … how I still feel it.

I feel like I'm waking from a nightmare. I … I don't know what possessed me and made me do all those horrible things. I even stabbed him to see if he would cry out!

But he didn't … he was too strong for that.

I wish I was strong enough to accept he still mightn't make it … NO he would … he would … he had to. I needed him to.

A faint knock at the door and Don enters. The huge bags under his blood-shot eyes show how he, like me and Mikey, can't sleep.

Don has really not said anything about Leo's … attempted … suicide. You would think he just got injured in a patrol run … by a length of rope and a katanna blade. The same with Mikey. And yet, they share the same haunted look every time they see his motionless, comatose body.

The same look Don has on his face right now. He's again checking Leo; he seems to be doing that a lot more lately. Checking his eyes, mouth, pulse, temperature, if those machines are still working properly, flexibility, if his muscles still work and his reactions.

After finishing, he slumps in the chair next to me, screwing his eyes shut in frustration and tiredness.

'Why don't you go get some sleep" I murmur.

Donny shakes his head.

"I gotta speak to you"

This doesn't sound good … nothing has sounded good since …

'Talk to me now but then please ... go get some rest"

He nodded but then fell silent. I waited … judging by how he was acting... I didn't want to hurry him up with his news.

But seconds stretched into minutes and Don still didn't say anything. He was fighting an internal battle with himself.

"Don?"

He gave a start and then cleared his throat.

"I don't know how to say this Raph" he said pleadingly, like I could help to take some of his pain away.

"Just say it" I tried to encourage.

Catching a look at Leo, Don took a deep breath.

"He's not going to wake up Raph"

My mouth fell open. WHAT. I went to object but …

"He's brain dead"

I opened and closed my mouth a few times until …

"Who the HELL do you think you are!"

Grabbing Don, I threw him out of Splinter room. Gently shutting the door behind me, I spun on him.

"Raph look"

"_How dare you"_ I hissed " How dare YOU! You can't just barge in and say something like that … Don't you know he can probably hear YOU!"

Don got off the floor.

"Raph … I know it's hard but …"

"HARD!" I shouted "HARD! You wouldn't know the meaning of it. You don't have to sit there for days on end, telling him that he'll get better, that he'll pull though … for you only to barge in and say something like THAT!"

Don's face reddened.

"Do you think it was easy to come to that conclusion" he spat at me "Do you think I wanted to say it. Damn you Raph that's not just a random picked up off the street" He screamed, pointing at the room "that's our BROTHER!"

"If he's our brother then how could you say that in front of him" I shouted back.

"Because he can't hear ME!"

"How do you know that!" I tried to keep shouting but my voice was beginning to crack … a lump was forming in my throat, suffocating me.

"Because he's dead Raph" Don whispered "The Leo we knew is gone … only his body is left … and it's failing around him. We were too late …."

Emotions I have never felt before engulfed me. Grief, fear, pain, sadness … I just wanted to break everything in sight, scream to the heavens and curl up in a corner and cry all at the same time.

Don moved closer to me but I pushed him away.

Through tear-stained eyes, I saw him and with a croaky voice, I said.

"I don't believe you"

And I turned my back and walked back into the room, back to Leo, back to my brother.

* * *

Hey if you enjoyed it ... drop a line. 


	3. Chapter 3

Well thank you for joining me for this latest chapter but I must forewarn, if you dont like major angst or death, turn back now because this chapter is dripping in it. lol nice phrase - "dripping in it" . Anyway, you have been warned and if you continue on, please enjoy.

Disclaimer: I own nothing

* * *

Rapheal's P.O.V

Not many people … turtles … well family members know that when I was little, I was terrified of thunder and lightning.

I was afraid of nothing … except that. The crashes and bangs would echo around the old lair and the sound would be doubled, tripled until it became this unmistakable roar.

And there was only one person … turtle I could seek refuge and comfort with. Only one turtle who wouldn't laugh at my weakness, mock me or tell the others … Leo. Many a stormy nights, I'd wind up sharing his bed ... or I suppose, he'd wind up sharing his because I was … scared.

And he never told … never … up until this day, nobody knows … everyone thinks I'm this fearless being … everyone except him and me.

Sometimes we'd sit up all night talking and laughing, talking about Mickey's latest prank, how we'd get him back, what we'd learnt that day in practice or what we'd seen on t.v.

But then Leo changed … he had to. Master Splinter saw a natural-born leader and for us all to survive, Leo needed to fulfill that role. He had to be perfect … it destroyed him.

It happened so quickly. More was expected of him, he had to look after his brothers, watch over us, practice harder, longer, better … be a good role model.

I remember sometimes lying awake at night, listening to him cry because he wasn't able to live up to our fathers expectations. I wanted to go and talk to him, tell him he didn't need to be this perfect image Splinter had conjured up … he just needed to be Leo, our brother, my brother.

But I never did … and that was his downfall.

Which is why I now find myself, lying beside Leo, minding his respiration machine thingy, tubes, I.V. drip and the heart monitor … because I have always associated this position as being … safe. Nothing could harm me when I was by my brother's side … to bad that wasn't the same for him.

Resting my head on his chest, feeling his chest rise and fall, listening to his heart beat … I don't know how ANYBODY could say he was gone.

And yet … deep down … I know … Leo … isn't coming back.

Screwing my eyes shut against more tears, I recall the last conversation I'd had with Donny and the terrible decision I'd had to make. It would haunt me for the rest of my meansy, pathetic, worthless life.

* * *

(((Before))) 

I was trying to eat the pizza Mikey had made for us but … my mind was back in the room with Leo. Splinter had come down for one of his visits and I'd been forced to leave the room. Mikey's mind must have also been elsewhere because the pizza tasted like charcoal.

Two weeks ago, Don told me Leo was "brain dead". One week, 5 days ago, Don tried to talk to me again … I punched him. One week, 3 days ago, I added a matching bruise to his other cheek when I found him fiddling with Leo's heart monitor … he certainly wasn't "fixing it". Its lucky Mikey stepped in; if he hadn't … I might have killed him. One week ago, Don punched me. He also screamed at me … calling me "selfish" for making Leo suffer all because I didn't want him to leave. He said it wasn't fair for the rest of the family having to hold onto a hope that was never going to be fulfilled. He said I should just "let him go".

I cried "NEVER"

Don said "Leo wanted to go, why are you stopping him?"

I went to hit him … but what he said was true. Leo wanted to die … he tied the noose himself but I'd created that feeling … that hate for life. I was hit … bombarded with grief. It was my fault …

I remembered little after that … I just broke down, lost it. I fell in a heap on the floor and cried until I had no more tears to cry. But I didn't move, I had no energy. I was seeing life like somebody dead. I was there … but wasn't. I couldn't go on … not without my brother, not without Leo. We were too much alike … they all say quads have twins within the quad … he was mine and I was his. The stuff I did to him … it was only because I knew he would always be there when I stuffed up and then he would make it all better … but it wasn't so. He was gone … and I was all alone.

I was all alone.

I shut down for a few hours … I was emotionally, physically exhausted. When I came back around, I was lying on the couch. Don and Mike were there too.

Master Splinter had left several hours before.

I can't help holding some resentment towards him … he made Leo into who he is … has become. And look what happened.

But I hate myself more …

For the rest of the week, leading up to today … this fateful day, it has been a downhill ride of emotions, fatigue, grief and for me, the never-ending gut-wrenching feeling of guilt.

* * *

(((Present))) 

"It's time Raph"

Looking at Don in the open doorway, I pull Leo closer, hold onto him tighter.

Don gives me a grief-stricken look, begging me not to go back on what I said. He doesn't have to worry though … I've come to my own conclusion … I can never go back.

Sliding out from under the covers, I try and make Leo more comfortable.

* * *

(((Before))) 

"Raph"

Looking up from my less then appetizing meal, I found Don sitting next to me.

"I don't want to fight Don"

He shook his head.

"Neither do I"

Knowing there's more to this then a simple acknowledgement of not open warfare, I wait. None of his conversations have been good.

Sighing, Don begins.

'Leo's down to his last I.V. bag and I don't have anymore …"

That's easily fixed … nothing too bad in that.

"… And I'm not replacing it"

My mouth drops open and I stare at him in horror.

"… what" I manage though my constricted throat.

"Leo's gone Raph" Don pushed "and keeping him alive isn't doing us or him any good"

I feel like my world is crumbling around me … and I could do nothing to stop it.

"You may want to make him suffer but I won't allow it"

I flinched away from him. Hadn't I made him suffer enough?

Don grabs my face and turns me around.

"You have to let him go!" he forces.

I frantically shake my head.

"No … we just need more time"

"There IS no more time" Don whispers "… I've already removed the drip"

I feel sick. I launched myself out of the chair and race for the door but without going two steps, Don tackles me to the ground. He has me pinned.

"It's over Raph" He whispers sadly.

"NO … you gotta put it back IN" I scream while struggling. He has an iron grip.

"I don't have to do anything!" He shouts back at me. "He's my brother to and I can do what I want! What's the difference between this and you making him live! He's dead!"

"NO!" I begin to scream.

Mikey races into the kitchen and rushes to my aid.

Don knocks him back.

'Leave it Mikey!" Amazingly … he obeys. Don then calmly turns to me … I've started hyperventilating.

"Raph … understand this, no matter what you say or do … I'm not putting it back in"

"You can't let him die like THAT!" I scream … but I'm finding it harder and harder to breathe.

"Why not … what you are subjecting him to is exactly the same thing"

Don turned to Mikey.

"Can you get me a paper bag?"

I think Mikey agreed because seconds later, we were alone gain. My stomach had cramped up.

Don let me go. I tried to stand up … I couldn't.

Mikey returns with the bag. He and Don sit me up against the cupboard, with my whole body protesting and Don gets me to breathe into the paper bag. Eventually it stops but the pain doesn't.

I try to get up.

Don stops me.

"There's nothing you can do Raph" Mikey says, tears in his eyes. He must have already known.

"Actually there is" Don says.

I turn to him.

"I need you to make a decision. Without the I.V., Leo will take days to die … he'll waste away. Even though he's gone, it'll take days for his body to stop working … it's not fair on him"

I know where this is going, I've known for a while but I can't do anything but listen.

Don hesitates.

"I want you to tell me I can turn off the life –support"

I choke on my breath and start hyperventilating again. Don tires to give me back the paper bag but I'm shaking my head, silently screaming "NO!"

"You have to!" Don shouts at me, clearly disgusted with my behaviour.

"… why?" I manage to gasp out. Why is he making me make the decision?

"Because you're the leader"

My hyperventilating stops more suddenly then any paper bag could muster.

I look at Don.

"I'm not the leader, Leo is"

Don looks at me like I've gone mad.

"Leo hasn't been the leader of anything for a long time"

This can't be happening …

I spin to face Mikey.

He's nodding … agreeing with Don's every word.

"No" I pant " I wont do it … go to Splinter I don't care but I won …"

"Splinter is no longer the full leader of this clan" Don pressed "He's our father but we have reached the age to look after ourselves and a new leader must be picked … and that has been you"

I feel the blood rush from my face.

"But Leo …"

"Leo can't even lead his own life" Don signs "how can you expect him to lead ours"

I realized tears were running down my face. I have waited all my life to hear those words, I dreamed of it every night, wishing it would happen … to be made leader of our clan … now all I wanted was my brother back … and I'll never get it …

* * *

(((Present))) 

Don went back outside to get everyone. I knelt over Leo and brought my forehead down to touch his, a lone tear running down my face, falling onto his and running down the side of his face.

Holding back a sob, I drew back and with my left hand, I cradled the side of his face.

"I'm sorry" I croaked. I kissed his forehead and then lay his head back down to rest.

Knelling beside his head, I heard the rest of the family enter.

* * *

"Raph" 

Tears running freely, I glanced back at Don. His eyes were glazed over … I could hear Mikey sniffing behind me.

I think of all that I've done, all I've said … it should be me in that room, me dying or having passed on and Leo out here … deciding whether to kill me or not.

But Leo wouldn't have let it get this far …

"I'm never going to be able to apologize to him" I sob to myself.

"Raph"

I look up at Donny.

I can see the hurt, pain betrayal and all those bad emotions locked behind his eyes … he never looked like that when Leo lead.

"Raph please"

I look at my hands. More scarred but they are like any other of my brother … Leo and I used to see who had the biggest hand but neither of us won. But then … it didn't matter.

I already hate myself but may I be damned to the very pits of Hell for what I have to do next.

"Is there any hope Don?" I whisper.

Don looks sadly at me.

"Any?" I plead

He slowly shaked his head.

A sob wracks my body.

I hear the door to Splinters room open and close.

"… okay ... you ... can … do … it" I force out.

Don lets out his breathe, like he'd been holding it and goes to rise. I grab hold of his arm.

"I want an hour"

Don looks startled.

'An hour … with him … by myself"

Don uncertaintly nods.

I release him and head for the bedroom.

"I'll call Casey and April" Don shouts after me.

Sliding the door slightly open, I look at Don over my shoulder.

'I don't care" I say flatly " I'm never making any choices again!"

And I slam the door shut.

I stand in the room, surrounded by the scent of my brother and the wrecked machines keeping him alive … I have just sealed my brothers fate … he has an hour to live

I move over to him …

* * *

(((Present))) 

With the bed being in the middle of the room, everyone spaced themselves out.

Don moved to the other side of the bed, opposite me, and placed himself next to the machines. Casey and April joined him on that side but stayed near the foot of the bed. Master Splinter took his place at the foot of the bed, looking like he was a thousand years old. For a brief second, Mikey was by my side, giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze but then he was beside Splinter, looking ready to support Splinter. Splinter looked old … frail and ready to fall.

I now focus my full attention back on Don. He seems lost.

" … Does anyone have any final words?"

April and Casey shift nervously, I suppose they don't know whether or not they should say anything. Looking at Mikey and Splinter, I see Mikey is fidgeting … looking everywhere but at Leo. I clenched my fists … how can he feel like he doesn't care.

Diverting my attention to Splinter, I see tears fast and freely running down his face. I have to again keep my temper in check … he planted the seeds of evil.

And yet, no parent should have to bury their child.

I looked to Don as he looks to me. After meeting his eyes for a few seconds, I return to Leo, one hand clutching his right hand and the other resting on his chest.

" … Rest in peace Leonardo" whispers Don as he gently slides his hands over my brother's unmoving face, forever sealing his already closed eyes.

"… it's what you wanted"

Barely a whisper … but I caught it. I grip Leo's hand tighter.

Don then reaches over and turns off the heart monitor.

It gives a last failing beep before becoming silent.

Moving to the respirator, we all jump when we hear a deep, wrenching sob behind us.

Mikey has finally given into emotion …

Grabbing the tube which is down Leo's throat , Don moves to flick the switch

My soul screams in pain.

Click

The machine grinds to a halt.

In a quick motion, Don pulls the tube out from leo's throat.

Putting it aside, Don sadly turns back to us.

But Leo's chest is still rising and falling, my hand moving with it …

Hope blossoms and a triumphant grin appears on my face … until I see Don. He shakes his head sadly, tears finally falling.

"It's just the rhythm it's used to" he whispers" … it'll stop in a few seconds"

And it does …

Slowly, Leo's chest rises less and less … until it doesn't rise at all.

Don slides his hand down Leo's arm until he comes to his wrist. After checking his pulse, Don slowly shakes his head, tears falling to the ground.

" … he's gone" he croaks

Everything blurs a little after that. I think after a while, everyone left to continue their grieving somewhere else.

Leonardo was truly gone … forever …

I was left with what remained of my brother … his body. My brother and me … me and my brother … my brother and me … me and my brother …

* * *

Long time no see people ... I must say there are some good stories in progress at the moment ... nice job everyone. Anyway, review please so I know how it is going. Yes very angsty but hey, its in the M category. Thanks to all you people who do review ... it brightens my day ;-) 


	4. Chapter 4

Well people, this is a proud moment for me. This is actually the first story I have ever finished since beginning here. I hope those who have read it have enjoyed but WARNING, if you DONT like DEATH in ANY form, DONT READ ON!!!

To all who have reviewed, you have made my day and I hope those who do read on, I hope you do enjoy. Thank you for joining me in this historic moment.

Disclaimer: I own nothing

And so it ends ...

* * *

Raphael's P.O.V.

(((1 week later)))

Sitting on Leo's bed, I tried to repel all the memories that forced themselves onto me at the sight of his possessions. But then again, for a few moments, I can bask in the radiance of our younger years, of happier times until I have to return to the bleak reality of today … Life without my brother.

I wish I had no more tears to cry but it is simply my body has no more will to comply.

I haven't eaten or drunk anything in days. Food … tastes like ash in my mouth and water, not like the refreshing necessity it should. Life has no more meaning … no more colour.

The others have been affected but not as affected as me. I think Don committed himself to Leo's death weeks ago; this is just the final stage in a process.

Nothing more …

I haven't seen April or Casey since … they haven't been around much.

Mikey is suffering. He won't watch t.v., read his comics, go watch a movie or anything. He just practices in the dojo continually … much like Leo would.

My grip tightens shakily on the object.

It's like he thinks it will do something, like it will give him direction, give him peace … it only gives him a taste of physically suffering which gives away to his emotional anguish once he stops.

Splinter … Splinter … he … is an empty shell. All he has been reduced to is tradition and custom.

Like preparing … Leo for his … funeral.

Leo will receive the full ceremonial burial he would have loved to have when he wasn't reduced to what I made him become.

Now it only seems like a slap in the face. He didn't die honorably … he was murdered.

Master Splinter has washed and cleaned him up; colour added to his pale face, the still visible lacerations around his neck toned down a little.

He now lies in Splinters room with a single white sheet covering him, alone but for Splinter who is keeping his vigil.

He keep s alonger vigial of a … dead body then a living being.

Now that he is truelly … gone, I find it hard to be with him. He's finally gone and nothing I do will bring him back. I've lost all hope.

So I retreat to Leo's room … where I am now.

Me and my gun.

The cold touch of steel is in ways welcoming … it is a feeling that is apart from anything I am feeling.

It has feeling.

I've always had it … the gun … a trophy from a past practice run. I've always hates and detested guns, there's no skill in them. A three year old could pick one up and kill me just as good as a 20 year old could.

That is why it is my weapon of choice.

Something I despise should be what finishes me off … there is no honour in me so there will be no honour in my death.

I switch the safety catch and check everything is in order.

My arm stings as I lift it.

I looked over at Leo's inscription … looking at my handy work.

**Useless**

_Tyrant_

I was the "Useless Tyrant" and I'd added my blood to the wall of death.

Thinking of any last thoughts … the only thing I could think of was …

At least I get to see Leo again … and tell him how sorry I am …

I rest the gun to my head …

I take a deep breath …

Mikey appears at Leo's door, his nun chucks in hand … he must have finished practice …

His face goes from confusion, to disbelief and finally rests on … horror.

I think he went to scream.

I screw my eyes shut.

"RA …!!!"

**B A N G**

* * *


End file.
